The Fundamentals of Marriage
The most basic and essential attribute of a Muslim marriage is the
common faith that binds the couple.
Since Islam is a way of life and not just a religion confined to
weekly worship it becomes an integral part of a Muslim's life. The
frame of reference shared by the couple eases communication and
sharing of values which is not possible in an interfaith marriage.
It is highly recommended that faith play an important role in the
developing a loving relationship.
For example, as the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon
him) said, that when a husband feeds his wife, he gets a reward
for this act and Allah increases the bond of love between them.
So when we love each other for the sake of Allah WE ACTUALLY INCREASE
OUR FAITH.
Forgiving
When the Prophet Muhammad asked his Companions ‘do you wish
that Allah should forgive you' they said, of course O Prophet of Allah.
He responded, ‘then forgive each other'.
One of the main components of a happy marriage is that the spouses
are able to forgive, that they do not hold grudges or act judgmental
towards each other. It is expected that when we live with someone,
situations may arise when we end up saying or doing things that
hurt our spouses. The challenge is not to dwell on it or lay blame
but to move past it. This can only happen if we are not too proud
to ask for forgiveness and we are not stingy to forgive.
If we expect Allah to forgive us than we must learn to forgive.
Forget
When we constantly remind our spouses of all the times they let us
down or hurt us we have not truly forgiven. Things that happened in
the past must be left there and not be used as fresh ammunition in
new situations. Couples who use this technique usually fall in a rut
and become victims of their own pettiness, unable to break free.
Forbearance
Sabr (patience) is the most useful tool to have in managing a healthy
lifestyle. Being patient and forbearing puts us in a proactive frame
of mind it brings us closer to Allah through Tawakul and reliance
.We develop an inner mechanism that empowers us to handle life's difficult
moments. As Allah states in Surah al-Asr: "Surely by time humans
are at loss, except those who believe and do righteous deeds and counsel
each other to the truth and counsel each other to Sabr' (Quran, chapter
103).
Flexible
Many couples unnecessarily make themselves miserable because they
are unwilling to bend a little.
We should not expect our spouses to be our extensions. They are
their own selves with personalities, likes and dislikes. We must
respect their right to be them selves as long as it does not compromise
their Deen (religion). Being inflexible and not accommodating for
individual differences leads to a very stressful and tense home
atmosphere.
Friendship
This aspect of marriage has three components.
First is to develop a friendship with our spouses.The relationship
based on friendship is more able to withstand outside pressures.
We honor, trust, respect, accept and care for our friends, in spite
of our differences. These are the aspects of friendship we should
bring to our marriages.
Unfortunately the only aspect that people think of bringing to
their marriage which is highly inappropriate is the buddy scenario.
Shariah (Islamic law) has placed the husband in a leadership role
within a family. This requires a certain decorum, which cannot be
maintained if the spouses consider each other as pals.
This should not be taken to mean that husband is a dictator but
a shepherd who is responsible for and to his flock. This is a position
of grave responsibility and places an enormous burden on the husband.
Further more the children need to see their parents as friends but
not as pals as this encourages disrespect.
Friendly
Second aspect of friendship is to have friendly relations with in-laws.
When couples compete as to whose parents are more important it becomes
a constant source of grief. Much valuable time is wasted trying to
convince, one another of whose parents are most desirable. It is better
if we accept, that our spouses will not overnight fall in love with
our parents just because we want them to. As long as they maintain
friendly relations that are cordial and based on mutual respect we
should not force the issue.
Friends
The third aspect of friendship is our circle of friends. It is okay
to have individual friends of the same gender but couples must also
make effort to have family friends so that they can socialize together.
If there is friction being caused by a certain friendship it must
not be pursued at the expense of the marriage. Prophet Muhammad advised
us to choose God fearing people as friends since we tend to follow
their way. Friends should be a source of joy and not mischief.
Fun
Couples that do not laugh together have to work on sharing some fun
times. The Prophet was known to play with his wives. A simple walk
in the park can add much spark to the relationship. Taking up a sport
together or watching clean funny movies is another way of sharing
a laugh.
Faithful
It is commanded by Allah that we be faithful to our spouses. Adultery
is a capital crime in Islam that is punishable by death. However there
are various forms of unfaithful behavior prevalent among some Muslims.
The most common form is maintaining friendships with the opposite
sex over the boundaries set by Islam, and the misgivings of the
spouse. The latest trend of Internet relationships is also contrary
to Islamic Adab (etiquette) and is causing serious problems between
couples. Once a sense of betrayal sets in, repairing that relationship
is difficult. Another form of not being faithful is when couples
betray confidences. This is a trust issue and one when compromised
eats away at the heart of a marriage.
Fair
Usually when we are angry or displeased the tendency is to not play
fair. We try to convince ourselves that since we have been wronged
it is okay to be unjust in our behavior and our statements. Allah
states in the Quran do not be unjust under any circumstances, even
if they be your enemy, and here we are talking about our life partners
and the parent of our children. To use words such as "never"
and "always" when describing the behavior of the partner
is unfair and puts the other on the defensive.
Finance
One of the most common points of contention in marriages is money.
Experts tell us that 80 percent of marital conflicts are about money.
It is therefore highly recommended that the couple put serious
time and effort in developing a financial management plan that is
mutually agreeable and is reviewed every six months or so. Preparing
a budget together is also a helpful and wise way to handling household
finances. It should be remembered that the wife's money in Islam
is hers to do with as she pleases and therefore should not be considered
family income unless she chooses to contribute it to the family
Family
Parenting can be a stressful experience if the parents are not well
informed. This in turn can put extra pressure on the marriage.
Sometimes couples are naive about the changes that come in the
lifestyle. This can cause in some cases depression and in some resentment
and misunderstandings. One golden rule that must always be the guide
is; that family comes first.
Whenever there is evidence that the family is not happy or not
our first priority it is time to assemble at the kitchen table and
discuss with open hearts and mind. Couples who have elderly parents
have an added responsibility to take care of them. This can also
be very stressful if the couple is not prepared.
A care plan must be worked out with respective siblings and parents
as to who will be the primary care giver and what type of support
network they will have. In case of mental incompetence a power of
attorney must be in place. The making of a will is most essential
.
Feelings
Prophet Muhammad \stated that Allah forgives all sins if we repent
but not those we have committed against others i.e. hurt their feelings
unless the person we have hurt forgives first.
Couples are sometimes very careless when it comes to their spouse's
feelings, they take them for granted and assume that the other knows
what they mean. It is surprising that people are more sensitive
and courteous to strangers than they are to their loved ones. One
must be ever vigilant and careful that they do not hurt the feelings
of their spouses and if they invariably do, they should apologize
as soon as possible. Since one does not know when someone they love
will leave this world, is it not better to make amends when we have
the time?
Freedom
Marriage in Islam is a partnership and not bondage or slavery. To
consider the wife one's property is alien to Islamic concept of husband
and wife role. The team spirit is enhanced and not curtailed when
members of the team are free to be themselves. Freedom in the common
western since is to be free to do as one pleases or to be selfish.
On the contrary, to allow freedom to one's spouse is to be considerate
of their needs and to recognize their limitations.
Flirtation
A sure way to keep romance in marriage is to flirt with your spouse.
Many successful marriages have maintained a youthful demeanor in their
marriages by adopting special names for each other and secret communication
styles.
Frank
Misunderstandings happen when couples are not honest with each other.
Marital relationship is where the partners must feel safe to speak
their mind with due consideration to the other's feeling, without
compromising their own views. When the communication is not frank
it hinders in the development of closeness and deep understanding
of each other's inner self.
Facilitator
When choosing our life partner, we must, as the Prophet advised, look
for a pious Muslim. The reason is that their first and foremost goal
is the pleasure of Allah. This commitment to Allah makes them an excellent
facilitator for enhancing their partner's spiritual development. In
essence, the couple facilitates their family's commitment to Allah
and His Deen.
Flattering
Paying compliments and indulging in honest flattery is a very inexpensive
way to win your spouse's heart. Everyone likes to be appreciated and
noticed. So being stingy about compliments is actually depriving oneself
of being appreciated in return.
Fulfilling
To be all one can be to one's spouse is a very fulfilling and rewarding
experience. To be in love means to give one's all. The heart does
not put conditions or make stipulations. It gives without expecting
anything in return, but such selfless giving is always rewarded tenfold.
Fallible
It often happens that our expectations sometimes are so high that
we lose focus of the fact that we are fallible beings. When couples
start to nitpick and demand the impossible they must remind themselves
that only Allah is perfect.
Fondness
So many times couples fail to work on developing fondness for each
other by [failing] to see their spouses as people through the eyes
of their respective friends. Spending quality time alone doing and
sharing activities are ways in which one can develop fondness.
Future
Smart couples plan for their future together. They work on their financial
and retirement plans, make wills and discuss these plans with their
children. This provides peace of mind and secures the relationship.
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