How To Help Muslims Get Married
Tips for Parents and Imams
Sad but shocking reality: the divorce rate amongst Muslims
in North America is one of the highest in the world.
According to New York-based Muslim sociologist Ilyas Ba-Yunus,
Muslims in Canada and the U.S. have a divorce rate of 33 percent.
The worlds highest is the general U.S. populations
of 48.6 percent, followed by the United Kingdoms of 36
percent.
Many assume divorce means problems began in the course of
the marriage, whether it was communication breakdown or irreconcilable
differences.
But there are many difficulties that lead to divorce which
could have been avoided right from the beginning. This could
have happened if individuals, parents, guardians and Imams had
played their role right when communication between two Muslims
seeking marriage began.
Below, we give you some tips and advice of what you can do:
HOW PARENTS CAN HELP:
The older woman noticed her instantly.
The twenty-something girl was an American Muslima, her white
skin and Caucasian features bore testimony to that. She was perfect
for her dear son Muhsin.
As she walked closer to her, she noticed the young woman talking
to someone of a darker complexion.
The woman rushed up.
Assalamu alaykum, she said smiling at the American
Muslima.
Wa alaykum as Salaam, replied the sister and her
friend in unison, both a bit startled by the enthusiasm and ardor
with which they were being greeted.
I would like you to marry my son, said the woman
barely inches away from the American Muslima, and making no eye
contact at all with her friend.
But, but why, she stammered.
Because you are white and you are wearing a Jelbab.
You will make a perfect wife for my Muhsin!
(This is based on a true story, in which the ethnicity of
two of the people involved has been changed
*******
While some would be surprised at the candor and bluntness
of the older woman in the above-mentioned scenario, such scenes
are not uncommon. Many parents seem to think approaching a prospect
out of the blue will reserve this person for their
son/daughter.
If you as a parent want to play an effective role in helping
your children seek the right mate, things have to be done differently.
1.Understand your role
Your role as a mother or father is not to be the final arbiter
of your childs marriage. This may be how marriages were
arranged back home in a Muslim country, but it is
not the Islamic way. Nor is this way acceptable to most Muslims
who have grown up in the West.
That said, the parents have a tremendous responsibility in
the process. They:
a. suggest individuals as prospective spouses
b. thoroughly screen and check proposals, call references
c. act as the third party between the two candidates
2. Talk to your kids about what you both want
Winnipeg, Canada-based Muslim social worker Shahina Siddiqui
says parents have to sit down with their kids and openly discuss
what kind of husband or wife s/he is looking for.
You may live in the same household as your children and think
you know them inside out, but many parents are shocked to find
their kids ideas about who they want to marry can be drastically
different from what they expected.
Marrying cousin X or Y from back home may just
not be acceptable.
Or the nice boy or girl from the local cultural community
who is highly educated and very well-off financially may be of
little interest to a son or daughter because of their lack of
Islamic knowledge and practice.
Open-mindedness and clear communication may reveal a side
of your kids that may be hard to swallow. However, you must remember
that marriage primarily affects the two people involved in the
relationship. They must like the person they are marrying.
3. Clearly outline the rules of meeting a potential mate
Siddiqui says parents must set boundaries as to how and when
they will meet prospective candidates.
Too often, Muslims stray by thinking seeking a mate is an
excuse to engage in dating. Dating occurs when a man and woman
spend time alone together. This is usually not with the intention
of getting involved in a long-term or serious relationship. It
is just to have fun. There is no little to no serious
discussion of future plans and/or the intention to marry.
Dating can occur amongst two Muslims seeking marriage if they
want to go out alone, with no third party present to get
to know each other. This can also develop through hours
of unnecessary phone or e-mail conversations.
Setting the boundaries of meeting a prospective mate is your
responsibility as a Muslim parent.
The rules to remember include the following: the meeting must
be chaperoned so the two are not alone together, both prospective
partners are lowering the gaze and both are sticking to the topic
in the course of discussions (for more explanation of some of
these points see the article 6 Etiquettes of Seeking a Spouse
at www.soundvision.com).
One suggestion Siddiqui gives in this regard is to avoid late
night meetings between prospective candidates and chaperones
because at the end of the day, people are tired, their defenses
are down. For this kind of a meeting, all parties need to be
very alert.
4. Give an allotted time for the meeting
Meetings between prospective spouses must not last for an
extremely long time, like being away most of the day to meet
this person. Parents should give an allotted time for the two
to meet and talk.
5. Investigate thoroughly
One of the reasons for many divorces is the lack of proper
investigation of a prospective marriage partner before marriage.
Parents have this heavy responsibility of finding out as much
as possible about the individual who will possibly spend the
rest of their life with their son or daughter.
Investigation does not mean just asking two or three family
friends or community members. Deeper digging is necessary.
The case of one Imams daughter in the U.S. serves as
a chilling example.
This Imam asked a Muslim brother to check out a boy who was
seeking marriage with his daughter. On the surface, all seemed
fine. But upon further investigation it was discovered that he
drinks alcohol. This fact was also confirmed by two other Muslims.
The mediator in this case told Sound Vision that he never would
have guessed, looking at the boy, that he drinks.
Aneesah Nadir, Director of Social Services for the Arizona
Muslim Family Health and Social Services in Tempe provides another
good way of fact checking on a proposal.
One sister she knows received a proposal from a brother who
lived in a different city. To check this prospective mate out,
one of her relatives went to the mosque this person attends and
observed and talked to him without him knowing he was her relative.
Her relative found the brother unsuitable and let her know about
this.
6. Be honest
Parents as well as individuals looking for a spouse must be
honest with regards to their credentials, background and other
pertinent details about their personal lives.
Inflating your son or daughters educational credentials,
for example, will only backfire when checking reveals this is
untrue.
7. Take your time
Siddiqui stresses the importance of not rushing a son or daughter
into marriage. If you find someone for your son or daughter at
a two-day Islamic conference, for example, and this is the initiation
of the process, more time must be given to checking facts and
references.
Ideally, she says references should always be asked for and
checked out before meeting in person. And this goes for boys
and girls.
8. Never Be pushy
(Another true story)
A young Muslim sister, practicing, Hijab-wearing, bright (she
was studying at one of Americas most prestigious universities)
stepped in front of a moving train in Chicago and killed herself.
Why?
Because her parents refused to listen to what she was looking
for in a husband. They wanted to hand pick and completely decide
who she would spend the rest of her life with.
This incident is an extreme example of the kind of pressure
some parents apply to get their kids to marry the right
one, often in complete variance with what the young man
or woman is looking for.
Needless to say, this is not condoned by Islam. Neither is
suicide as a way out of difficult situations.
Another form of pressure is put on those who are given a proposal.
It is not uncommon to see sisters or their parents pursued by
the parents of others who are interested in their son or daughter.
This can even reach the level of harassment at times.
Forced marriages are not only unIslamic. They pose a danger
to your childrens future, as well as that of your grandchildren.
Would you want your grandchildren to experience the pain and
emotional turmoil of a divorce which could have been avoided
if both parties had had more say in the choice of a partner?
HOW IMAMS CAN HELP
Imams in North America do more than deliver a weekly Khutbah
and lead prayer. They are, whether they and others realize it
or not, responsible for their communitys emotional and
psychological well-being as well.
So Imams dont just officiate marriages. They have to
become involved with them as well. This role can take three main
forms.
1. Being a guardian for sisters
Alhamdulillah, a large number of those converting to Islam
are women. Most of these sisters should and do seek marriage
with a Muslim. The problem though, is that they dont have
the family support needed in seeking the right mate. In most
cases they have been cast out of their families because of their
conversion to Islam, or they just dont want non-Muslim
family members involved in their marriage decisions.
This is where you, as an Imam, must step in .These sisters
need to have a third party to advise and mediate on their behalf.
Being new to the Muslim community, they dont usually know
who is who and can be easily deceived. These Muslim women must
be protected against abuse and deception on the part of men who
may take advantage of their lack of knowledge of the community.
Imams should not wait for a sister to approach them. Once
you see such a Muslima inquire discreetly if you can help in
this important area of her life. She may feel shy asking you
directly, so you may have to take the first step.
2. Vouching for good brothers
An Imam is a great reference for a brother who regularly attends
a mosque and is Islamically involved. Helping practicing, honest
and decent brothers marry with your stamp of approval
will possibly increase their chances of getting married. Many
Muslim womens parents and third party will feel a sense
of assurance if an Imam vouches for a brother than if a friend
or relative does.
3. Providing the right information
The Imam is also the best person to ask to confirm someones
Islamic practice. A brother may say he attends Mosque X in city
Y, but this can only really be confirmed by the Imam there, who
knows, for example who attends which prayers in congregation,
who comes only at Juma or only on Eid.
As well, Imams are often asked for help by Muslims in their
mosque and are keenly aware of their problems at some level.
This can also help a third party seeking information about a
prospective candidates who attends your mosque.
4. A note about Gheebah (backbiting)
While backbiting is generally forbidden by Islam, marriage
investigations are an exception to this rule.
As an Imam, you may be told information about a person in
confidence: financial problems, family abuse, drug and/or alcohol
consumption, etc. While these and other problems should remain
the business of the individual who has told you in general, in
the case of marriage, you must provide complete information about
someone you know has a problem.
If a father wants to know about the character of a brother
who has proposed to his daughter, and you as an Imam know this
brother does drugs, drinks, lies or steals, you must tell this
father. His daughters life is at stake here.
Seeking the right husband or wife is something to be commended
for. It is also the responsibility of the Muslim community to
help those who are seeking marriage in fulfilling this Sunnah
and part of our faith.
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