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ADVANTAGES
& DISADVANTAGES OF MARRIAGE
by
Muhammad Abdul-Rauf, Ph.D
ADVANTAGES
1. Procreation:This
is the paramount advantage of marriage; namely, to contribute through
legitimate means to the continuity and preservation of the human race.
The sexual urge serves the function of bringing the mates together for
the fulfillment of this basic objective. The procreational objective has
four aspects: to fulfill the will of God; to seek the love of the Prophet
Muhammad; to benefit from the prayer of the child; and to profit from
its intercession on behalf of its parents. Almighty God, in providing
the male with intricate fertilizing organs and the female with a receptive
fertile womb, is telling us in the most eloquent but voiceless language
of the purpose of these provisions. To let them be idle is to ignore the
divine wisdom written on these God-given instruments. Imagine a farmer
who, although he is given a piece of fertile land, seeds and farming tools,
just lets the land go to waste, the seeds rot and tools rust. This farmer
not only is a fool, but is to be condemned for his wasteful and harmful
indifference. Procreation through marriage is also a means of seeking
the pleasure of the Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him,
who is believed to be alive in his grave and to whom the deeds of the
members of his nation are regularly presented. He has called upon his
nation: "Marry, so your number increases. The practice of marriage
is an answer to his call. Prayer of a child is believed to be beneficial
to his dead parent. The Prophet, peace be upon him says:
When
the son of Adam dies, nothing would be of any more benefit to him except
three things: a continuous charity, some useful knowledge he has left
behind and a child who may pray for him.
2.
Fulfillment of the Natural Urge The sexual urge is perhaps
the most powerful human inclination. It seems not to be an end in itself,
but a means to bring the mates together for the purpose of fertilization.
Yet its fulfillment is the most enjoyable and absorbing of human experiences.
Failure to fulfill this urge is likely to lead either to deviation or
to maladjustment. Deviation is dishonourable and is strictly forbidden
in Islam. Therefore, the Prophet, peace be upon him, calls upon youth,
saying:
O
you young people! Whoever of you can afford to get married, let him
do so. Those who cannot afford it, let them practice fasting, as it
may be a protection to them [against sin].
It
is believed that the intense pleasure of the climax of the sexual act,
though short-lived, has the value of reminding the believers of the more
durable and more perfect enjoyment that awaits them in Paradise. The experience
should enhance their zeal to comply with divine teachings. So the practice
of marriage is the way to remove evil and protect against shameful failure.
To try to suppress the sexual urge by other means, such as fasting, may
succeed in preventing the eyes from looking at forbidden scenes and keeping
the sexual organs away from committing heinous abominations; but there
is no way of freeing the heart from engaging in meanest thoughts, pondering
and dreaming of acts it craves for, even during the hallowed time of the
performance of prayers. A person of any degree of respectability would
never dare to speak openly of such mean thoughts to any creature, but
he has no control over his mind to prevent if from roaming into these
thoughts when he is addressing his Creator in prayers! Some cannot afford
to do without women. Some also say that two-thirds of man's wisdom is
lost when his male organ becomes erect. Al-Junaid, one of the major founders
of the Sufi movement, used to say, "The sexual act is as important
to me as food." And thus a wife is food for the man and a measure
for purifying his heat. Therefore the Prophet, peace and blessings be
upon him, commanded that whenever a man sees a woman and feels attracted
to her, he should go and release his urge with his own wife in order to
remove the evil thoughts from his mind. The Prophet sometimes added, "His
wife surely can offer as much as this woman does." He
also forbade visiting women when husbands are away. It is related that
Ibn 'Abbas, a cousin of the Prophet, once noticed a youth staying behind
after a lecture he had given, when the other members of the audience had
gone. When Ibn 'Abbas asked him about his problem, the reluctant youth
complained that when he was overwhelmed by sexual excitement, he released
himself by performing masturbation. Ibn 'Abbas was horrified and condemned
the act, but said that the practice was less abominable than fornication.
It was because of fear of the danger which might arise from an unfulfilled
sexual urge that the early Muslims did not hesitate to rush to new marriage
once they became widowed. Imam 'Ali, cousin and son-in-law of the Prophet,
remarried on the seventh day of the death of his wife Fatimah.
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3.
A Healthy Relaxation In marriage there is comfort to the soul,
there is beauty to look at, there is company, and there is play and joking
and relaxation, all of which relieve the heart from its burdens and make
the mind better able to concentrate during prayers and worship. To be
always serious and deprive the soul of its joy is boring to the heart
and could blind it. Relaxing through the company of the spouse is healthy;
and that is why the Qur'an describes the spouse as a source of mutual
comfort. It is said that it is wise to divide one's time over three types
of activities: worshiping the Lord, self-examination and entertainment
of the heart. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, used to say,
"Two worldly things are beloved to me -
women and perfume. But the light of my eye is in prayers."
It is related that Al-Asma'i, an ancient Arab philologist, once encountered
a beautiful Bedouin woman in the desert wearing a red dress and holding
worry beads in her beautifully henna-dyed hand. Al-Asma'i remarked, "What
a contrast!" meaning that the worry beads, a sign of deep religious
devotion, and the henna dye in the hands, a popular cosmetic practice,
did not go together. The beautiful righteous woman retorted poetically,
"There is in me a devotion to God which I cannot neglect; but there
must also be room for my heart and for my pleasure."
4.
A Comfortable Home Marriage, moreover, provides cooperation
in the household and greatly relieves one from worries. Spouses cooperate
in the management of the house, in its upkeep, in cooking and washing,
and so forth. And thus there will be more time for worship and seeking
knowledge, and a climate conducive to concentration. It is therefore said
that a righteous wife is not a worldly asset only; she is a sure way to
success on the Day of Judgment. The Prophet, peace be upon him, says:
Seek
to have a grateful heart, a sweet tongue and a believing, righteous
wife who would help you in your endeavor to success on the Last Day.
He also says:
If
God loves a man, He give him a righteous wife. If he looks at her, she
pleases him; when he is with her, she is marvelous company; and when
he is away, she observes conscientiously his rights, protecting his
property and preserving her honour.
5.
Social Importance Finally, by adding responsibilities upon
the individual, marriage enhances his status in society and gives him
an opportunity for training in bearing the hardships of life. Living
with a spouse, a person of different inclinations and background, trains
one in accommodating oneself to new experiences; each party helps the
other in the exercise of the virtues of patience and forbearance. The
responsibility of rearing children and the need to earn for their living
are added meritorious aspect arising from marriage. Listen to the Prophet
when he says:
A
man will be rewarded for what he spends on his wife, even for putting
a morsel of food into her mouth.
He also says:Whoever performs his prayers correctly,
and spends on his children in spite of his modest means, and does not
speak ill against others, will be in Paradise as close to me as these
[two fingers of mine]. He also says:
Whosoever
is given three daughters and spends on them and treats them well . .
. surely God will reward him in Paradise.
DISADVANTAGES There is no rose without
thorns, and marriage is no exception. There is no relationship that
modifies the mode of life of the individual or curtails the individual's
freedom of action so suddenly or so profoundly as does marriage. Whether
husband or wife, each has to take into account the reaction of the other
party to whatever he or she may do.
1.
Burdens and Risks Upon marrying, the husband immediately
carries the burden of the responsibility of his wife's welfare; and
each birth brings forth more burdens. Sickness and other crises which
may occur to his wife or to any of his children will be his own problems,
and many of the things he would be able to enjoy by himself may fall
outside his reach because of his domestic burden. And thus marriage
brings him both hardships and deprivations. The wife also, in addition
to her husband's demands, becomes exposed to the burden of pregnancy,
the pangs of birth, child care and the heavy task of nursing her husband
and children when they are sick. She has to do the shopping, prepare
the daily meals, and wash and clean. She has also to pay regard to her
husband's wishes and attitude. And so marriage for her is hard work
and curtailment of her freedom. Another disadvantage is the risk that
marriage may prove to be a failure. If it is completely broken, then
that is disastrous; and if it is maintained in spite of continuous troubles,
life becomes hell. It is also likely in such a case of mutual tension
that the parties behave unjustly to each other; and this will pile up
sins for which they will deserve punishment on the Day of Judgment.
Moreover, the husband, in his search to satisfy the insatiable desires
of an overambitious wife, or the needs of his children, may resort to
corrupt or dishonest means, which would bring ruin to himself in this
wold and severe punishment in the life to come. The Qur'an remarks in
this respect:
O you
who believe, surely of your wives and your children there are enemies
to you. So therefore beware of them. [Qur'an 64:14]
Even
if things proceed smoothly and comfortably in the household, the company
of the wife and her attractions may excessively occupy the time and thought
of her husband; and she may become too often engaged in amorous activities
with him. It is said, "Wisdom is lost between the thighs of women."
2.
Refutation of Disadvantages These seeming disadvantages may
appear to outweigh the disadvantages, however, the burdened spouse is
well compensated by the relief from the solitude and boredom of bachelorhood
through the company of the other party and the children they both rear.
Hardships they may suffer are worthy sacrifices in the interest of society.
If everyone should run away from the responsibilities of marriage, mankind
would degenerate, decline and ultimately disappear. Engagement of the
mind in the affairs of the household is not alien to the domain of divine
worship. After all, the mind needs diversion and cannot easily be occupied
in one type of work all the time. The possibility of resorting to corrupt
means to provide for domestic financial needs only arises with unscrupulous
persons, married or otherwise; and marriage or need alone does not lead
to corruption with conscientious, honest people. Married couples, however,
should use their wisdom and manage their affairs within their means. They
should not stretch their expenses beyond the income which they legitimately
earn. The possibility of failure in marriage is not a good cause for delay
or reluctance. After all, there is a risk in every course of action in
life, be it business, study, a journey or any other venture. If uncertainty
of success were to debar us from venturing the risk, life would surely
become paralyzed. It is only in courage and challenge that individuals
and nations can aspire to glory. Moreover, if due care is exercised in
picking one's spouse, the possibility of failure becomes rather remote.
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