The Family Bed in Islam
by Maria Hussain, a freelance writer from New Jersey
The family bed is an aspect of traditional family life, which has
largely become a thing of the past. Even Muslims have adopted the
unnatural Western cultural practices of confining the baby to a
separate room away from its parents and replacing breast-feeding
with bottle-feeding.
"Modern" parents try to put the baby to sleep in a crib
away from human touch. The parents will then spend countless
nights awake, coaxing their baby to sleep, only to have him wake
up as soon as he is put down in the crib. In order that the baby
will stop disturbing the parents' sleep, it is considered
necessary for children to develop "independence" at an
early age. That is why doctors in the West push parents to teach
the baby to sleep through the night alone, which can only be done
by teaching the baby that no one is available. The standard
American baby handbook, What to Expect the First Year (Eisenberg)
advises:
"If you can tolerate an hour or more of vigorous crying and
screaming, don't go to the baby, soothe him, feed him, or talk to
him when he wakes up in the middle of the night. Just let him cry
until he's exhausted himself-and the possibility, in his mind,
that he's going to get anywhere, or anyone, by crying-and has
fallen back to sleep. The next night do the same; the crying will
almost certainly last a shorter time…You may find that earplugs,
the whir of the fan, or the hum of voices or music on the radio or
TV can take the edge off the crying without blocking it out
entirely. If you have an intercom from the baby's room, the
magnified crying may be particularly grating. You can reduce that
problem by turning it off when the crying starts. If baby is truly
hysterical, you may hear him anyway. If you can't hear him at all,
set a minute timer for twenty minutes. When the buzzer rings, turn
the intercom back on to see if he's still at it. Repeat this every
twenty minutes until the crying stops."
Is it any wonder that American youth feel alienated and depressed?
Today's young people are characterized by a lack of connection
with the home and family and a deep insecurity about whether they
are loved. This feeling of distance from others is most likely
something which started at infancy. If we gave our child the
message since he was a baby that we are only available if and when
it is convenient to us, who can blame them when they have problems
later on in his life. If feels afraid and alone, it will not occur
to him to ask his parents for advice, but he will instead turn to
love substitutes and develop bad habits. Could you respect someone
who sat by and knew you were crying and didn't try to help you
solve the problem?
As Muslims, we want to create a strong emotional bond with our
children that will last into our old age, when we will become
dependent upon our children to take care of us, as Islam demands.
We definitely do not want to give our children the message that we
were not available when they needed us.
Some parental advocates are starting to wake up to the dangers of
isolating a baby in this way. According to SIDS researcher James
J. McKenna,
"Nighttime parent-infant co-sleeping during at least the
first year of life is the universal, species-wide normative
context for infant sleep, to which both parents and infants are
biologically and psychosocially adapted…Solitary infant sleep is
an exceedingly recent, novel, and alien experience for the human
infant - a sensory - deprived microenvironment for which not all
infants are equally prepared biologically."
Research reveals lower Sudden Infant Death (SID) rates in cultures
where mothers sleep in close proximity to or in contact with their
infants during the first year of life (Mothering, No. 62, Winter
92). Babies are less likely to mysteriously stop breathing when
they are in close contact with another human being, especially the
mother. This disproves the idea that the danger of rolling on top
of one's baby and smothering them justifies depriving the child of
your warmth. This tragedy occurs very rarely, and usually it
involves parental use of drugs or alcohol putting the parent into
a deep sleep. Under healthy circumstances, a mother is highly
tuned into her baby even in sleep. She would be no more likely to
roll over on top of her baby and not notice them struggling to
squirm free than she would be likely to roll over and fall off the
bed. Most infant smothering happens when a baby is laying face
down in a thick quilt.
Statistically, a baby is actually more likely to die when left
alone in their crib where no one notices them. In the entire
kingdom of nature, no mother sleeps away from her infant, leaving
it defenseless against predators. All mammal babies sleep curled
up next to their mothers, suckling sweetly. If a baby cries in the
night, it is because they want their mama! Who can blame them?
Close physical contact is also essential to the swift recovery of
a premature infant. It is recommended for weak and small babies to
be held skin to skin with a parent for several hours a day. This
is called the "kangaroo hold" and can be done by keeping
him in a sling under your shirt or jacket (leaving ample breathing
room) during the day.
A Muslim mother is available to her child. A Muslim father is
available to his child. We know that with parent-child attachment
comes the emotional security that is necessary for developing a
healthy inner self-confidence. The message we want to get across
to our child is, "If you have a problem, come to me. If you
are afraid, tell me about it. If you are lonely, I am here."
We are not interested in cultivating independence before the child
is ready for it.
The Holy Prophet prescribed separating the children in their beds
by the age of ten:
"Order your children to observe Salat when they reach the age
of seven and spank them for not observing it when they reach the
age of ten, and arrange their beds (for sleeping)
separately." (Abu Dawud)
This hadith implies that before the age of moral reason, small
children are not required to sleep alone. Islam has no
prohibitions against parents sleeping in the same bed with a small
child. In practice, a Muslim baby should sleep with its parents,
especially while they are still breastfeeding. Since the father is
usually only home at night, being near the baby during sleep is
beneficial to the bonding process. Sleeping with their mother also
gives the baby the
opportunity to nurse on demand, which is
important for Muslim mothers wishing to complete the full term as
prescribed by Allah.
"… His mother bears him in weakness upon weakness, and his
weaning takes two years - Be grateful to Me and to your
parents." (Quran 31:14)
Compare the two situations: A child cries in the night. The mother
pulls them to her breast, with both drifting back to sleep next to
each other. And, a child cries in the night. Mother or father gets
out of bed, warms a bottle, and brings it to the child. Parents
take turns rocking the baby back to sleep, slowly put him down,
and tiptoe away from the crib. Which couple got the most sleep?
Experienced mothers know that an infant will sleep soundly through
the night as long as they can smell their mother nearby and feel
her warmth, and if they awaken hungry in the night, they will only
cry for a second until the child finds the breast and nurses back
to sleep. There is no stress on the mother, disturbing of the
overworked father, getting up out of bed, or tears in the night.
Sleeping with a small child gives them the security that you are
there. As far as the baby is concerned, they are completely happy.
As a baby grows into a child, their need to be near others while
they are sleeping does not go away. Those children who have been
trained to sleep in their own beds will still find countless ways
to disrupt their parents' sleep, requesting glasses of water,
trips to the washroom, somebody to close the closet door, check
under the bed for monsters, etc. I recall many nights in my own
childhood lying awake in bed, obsessing and panicking about the
concept of death and other heavy issues, but knowing I was not to
disturb my parents. Patrick C. Friman, a clinical psychologist and
director of clinical services for a boy's counseling center
explains, "It's not pathological, it's not a disease, and
it's common in industrialized cultures," where children
usually sleep apart from parents (NJ Star-Ledger).
Children come up with these ploys because they are frightened of
how it feels to be alone, drifting into unconsciousness. Instead
of engaging in power struggles with small children over intimate
issues, parents can opt to allow the child back into their bed
even if he/she has their own bed as long as they are under the age
of reason. This differs according to each child. The hadith
mentioned above points to 7 - 10 as a maximum age, although
another hadith from Abu Dawud describes the age of reason as the
time when a child can distinguish his right hand from his left.
Newlyweds, when planning your marital bedroom furniture, consider
buying a king-sized futon to lie on the floor. That will serve you
for years to come as a child-safe family bed, where the father
will have room to snuggle with mother and baby rather than being
banished to the couch, as often happens when new parents discover
that the baby doesn't want to sleep in their crib and takes over
the honeymoon bed. Even if you don't plan to have children
immediately, a large bed is still a very comfortable sleeping
option and it will save you time and effort in the future.
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