MARITAL
RELATIONS AND MUTUAL RIGHTS IN ISLAM
"Believers, men
and women, are protectors of one another They enjoin what is just and
forbid what is evil. They observe regular prayer and practice regular
charity, obey God and His messenger, and on them God will pour His mercy,
for God is exalted in power and right. God has promised to believers,
men and women, gardens under which we were supposed to dwell therein,
beautiful mansions and garden of everlasting bliss, for the greatest
bliss is the pleasure of God, that is the supreme"
(9:7 1).
We are told in the Quran
that, "Men and women believers are protectors of each other."
We are also told in the Quran that our spouses have been created for
us for our own benefit so that we enjoy tranquility. It is said in the
Quran, "All you believe, observe your duty to your Lord who
created you from a single being and created its mate of the same kind
and expectfrom this too many men and women and keep your duty to God
by whom you demand of one another's right and the ties of relationship
surely God is every watching over you" (4: 1).
And we are also told, "And
one of His signs that He created for you, your mate from among yourselves
that you may dwell in tranquility with them and He has put love and
mercy between your hearts verily in that are the signs for those who
reflect" (30:2 1).
Prophet Muhammad (PBUH)
has told us how we should treat our spouse, It was an important part
of his last sermon and he states, "Oh, you people, your wives have
a certain right over you and you have certain rights over them. Treat
them well and be kind to them for they are your committed partners and
helpers." Whatever he said was an inspiration from God. Whatever
he said, we can confirm the authenticity of that by going back to the
Quran and see what the Quran says on this subject.
It says, "Provide
for them, the rich according to his income and the poor according to
his means, the provision according to the custom, this is an obligation
for those who act kindly" (2:236). So providing for them according
to your means is an obligation.
And God also says, "Treat
them politely for even if you dislike them, perhaps you dislike something
which God has placed much good" (4:19). So there may be some
reasons why you may not like your spouse for any physical or other reasons,
but we are told still to like them because God has chosen them for us.
Prophet Muhammad (PBUH)
has expressed some of the rights of wives on their husbands or the instructions
to husbands for their wives. In Mishkat, it is reported the best and
the most perfect of the believers is the one who is superior in his
moral behavior and kind and courteous to his wife. In another place,
he has said, "Feed her when you feed yourself, clad her when you
provide yourself with cloth, neither hit her on the face nor use impolite
language" (see Tirmidhi).
In Abu Daud, he is reported
to have said, "When a man wakes up his wife and both of them perform
two cycles of prescribed prayer together, the name of the husband is
recorded among those who remember God and the name of the wife is recorded
among those who remember." But he was fair and he has also outlined
the duties and responsibilities of the wife towards her husband. I will
just mention three of them here from his collection of Traditions. In
this part of Tirmidhi, it is reported that he said,
"A woman who prays
five times a day, fasts during the month of Ramadan, protects her modesty
and is obedient to her husband may enter heaven through any door she
likes." Not only can she enter heaven, but she can choose from
the different doors. In another Tradition, it is mentioned, "The
best woman is the one who greets her husband with joy when he looks
at her and when he asks something lawful, she obeys and never adopts
any attitude in connection with her own self and good which is disliked
by him." In another Tradition, it is reported,"On the Day
of Judgment, God will not look upon the woman who has been ungrateful
to her husband."
There have been many, many
women in Islam who were great leaders, prophet's wives, Khadija and
Ayisha and many others such as the Prophet's daughter, Fatima, the leader
of the women in heaven. There have been many known scholars who have
been women. Imam Malik's teacher, Ayisha, daughter of Sa'd ibn Waqqas,
Imam Shafi'i"s teacher was Saiyida Nafisa, granddaughter of Imam
Hasan, Rabia Basri, another scholar of Islam, was such a great scholar
that men scholars used to come and study with her. Even nowadays, there
have been scholars like Zaynab Ghazali. Women can achieve their rights
if they are given the opportunity to do so. They need to know that they
do not have to stay in the house and cook and take care of the children,
In my opinion, God has
also been kinder to women. First of all, they are equal to men in all
acts of piety. The Quran assures this (see 33:35). For example, when
men miss their prescribed prayers, they are religiously obligated to
make up for them. However, when women miss their prescribed prayers
because of certain days of the month, they are not required to make
them up. Men must provide for their wives, whether their wives work
outside the home or not. If women earn income, it belongs to them alone
and they can spend it on themselves if they want. They do not have to
provide to their husband from that income.
Now let's look briefly
at women's rights according to modern society. The women's lib movement,
in my opinion, is distorted. In this movement, women have rights, as
I described, to do the right thing, but they also have the right to
compete in wrongdoings. Not wearing the modest dress is not a question
of women's rights, having an abortion is not a question of a women's
rights. Cancer of the lungs was the 10th leading cause of death in women
fifty years ago when they were not competing with men in smoking; Now
it is the second leading cause of death in them, thanks to their "liberation."
God says in the Quran "Oh,
humanity, it is you who is needy of God, and it is God who is above
all needs" (35:15). So the question of rights should be taken
in the sense of who is the giver of rights, to whom are we responsible
for having given us these rights. It is God Who had given us these rights.
We must accept our responsibilities when we talk about our rights.
The relationship between
husband and wife has been summarized in one beautiful sentence in Quran
which should be the guiding light, "They are your garments and
you are their garments" (2:187). Only He knows why He used
the word "garment." We can only guess. A garment is close
to our body. So husband and wife should remain close to each other.
A garment protects our body from outside influences; thus husband and
wife should protect each other from outside temptation. A garment is
to beautify our appearance so they should complement each other and
not belittle each other. A garment is always available to our body,
so should they be to each other.
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The following verse is
frequently quoted by men, but is misunderstood very much. "Men
are protector of women because God has made them excel over the other,
and because they spend their property on women, so good women are obedient
(to their husband) and guard their modesty. As for whom you fear rebellion,
admonish them, and then banish them from your bed (i.e., do not sleep
with them), or beat them (lightly). If they obey you, then seek not
a way against them, God is ever High and Exalted" (4:34)
Wife abuse is a major social
crime in American society. Close to 4 million women are physically abused
every year by their husbands, ex- husbands, or boyfriends to the extent
of seeking medical attention in emergency rooms according to a 1991
Senate report. Many such abuses are not reported by women for the fear
of divorce or further abuse. About three women die every year from such
abuse. Abuse is not only physical but also sometime sexual (rape), emotional,
or financial.
Unless Muslims guard themselves
to prevent such social crimes, they will become (and are becoming) a
part of our own society, just as divorce has become. Muslim women are
much less likely to report abuse and to whom will they report? to the
male Imam? Do we have a social support agency or should they call non-Muslim
law enforcement agencies and have their bread earners imprisoned? The
mention of "beat them lightly" in the Quran is not for all
women, but only those women who are rebellious (disloyal) and in stages
1) first you warn them; 2) you separate your bed from them; 3) beat
them lightly (with a traditional "toothbrush" or folded handkerchief)
before the final stage; 4) divorce, one of the most hated permissions.
The Prophet himself did not beat any of his wives and told Muslims,
"Do not beat God's hand maidens," and "How could they
beat their women in daytime as slaves and then sleep with them in the
night?"
Talking about women's status
in Islam is easy. To give them their due rights in practice is difficult.
The process can begin by giving them
1) equal say in the decision-making process in the home whether it is
weaning of infant or education of growing children or financial matters;
2) full opportunity to learn Islam as well as "secular" education
so that they can help their children learn since the first school is
at home;
3) acquire skills to help the Muslim community whether in education,
nursing, or professions in the less male contact areas; and
4) involve them in the operation and decision-making process in Muslim
organizations and even in Mosques.
It is unfortunate and contrary to the teachings of Prophet Muhammad
(PBUH) that Muslim women are not encouraged to pray in mosques in Muslim
countries.
My advice to married couples
for a happy marriage is no different than the advise given to them by
many counselors.
1. I suggest that both
of them be conscious of their personal appearance and try to remain
attractive to each other. It is not uncommon that women dress and put
on make-up when they go out, but don't do the same when they are inside
to please their husbands. Similarly, when men want their wives to be
very attractive-looking, they should also look at their own appearance
and especially their physical appearance so that they will be pleasing
to their wives. Both of them live in a society in which there are too
many temptations outside the home and, therefore, they should not give
any chance to others to succumb to such temptations.
2. 1 suggest both of them
be companions to each other rather than the role of the boss and the
one who is being bossed or upper-hand or lower- hand. If the two wheels
of a vehicle are of the same diameter, same air pressure, then the car
will go in a straight line, otherwise it will not. So, I suggest they
be each other's friend more than being their bed partner.
3. When they do commit
mistakes or injustice to each other, they should admit it and be forgiven.
They should be gentle in criticism and generous in appreciation. They
should never bring up their past because it is like undoing the dressing
and starting the wound fresh.
4. They should mind their
language. Sometimes we say things which we don't mean but it hurts other
people. As the poet says, "The wounds of blade many heal one day,
but the wounds of tongue never heal." So before we says something,
we should think how these words will affect the other person or if we
are the recipient of those words, how we would feel.
5. They should have a sense
of humor. One woman describes her husband in this way, that many men
had proposed to me and they liked me, but I chose him as my mate for
the rest of my life because he makes me laugh all the time. Life is
too short to be too serious. If we have a smile for each other when
we greet each other and. a word of kindness and of compassion, it has
a lasting effect. Again the poet says, "The sweet words of kindness
and sweet words of love make this world happy like heaven above."
6. Both of them should
share household duties together. It is not fair that women are used
as a cook and as a maid and as a babysitter while men enjoy all outdoor
and outside of the home social activities. The Prophet (PBUH), always
helped his wife in household work and he was an example for us.
7. They should find occasions
to give each other a gift or flowers or candy, whatever a small thing
that may be. This is not a western concept. In fact, the Prophet has
stressed that we should give gifts to each other because "giving
gifts" increases mutual love.
8. Wives should recognize
the economic means of their husbands and should not put any demand on
him that he cannot bear. If they do, he will either refuse or find wrong
means to earn extra income to meet her demands and both of which will
have wrong results.
9. They should be equally
involved in community work and efforts. It is not appropriate that mothers
have to bring children for Sunday school while fathers stay home to
watch football games. If learning Islam is good for children, it is
good for mothers and it is also good for fathers.
10. In matters of sex,
both them should be available to each other without putting an extra
burden on either one. Thus, the Prophet (PBUH), was a very modern man.
He encouraged foreplay. In a Tradition, he has said, "It is not
appropriate that you fall upon your wives like a beast but you must
send a message of love beforehand." Men and women both have physiological
desires. Each should respect the likes and dislikes of each other. We
should respect each others privacy because each of us needs some time,
moments of privacy, to be alone with our body or with our mind.
11. Finally, they should have meals together and the
occasions for meals should be happy occasions for the whole family and
not a time for arguments. If they are going to argue, they should do
so later on and not in front of their children but separately. Each
argument should end with some expression of love. It is recommended
that they should never go to bed mad at each other. If we respect each
other the same way we like to be respected, it will increase our trust
and love and hopefully, we will realize that God, who has promised to
put love in our heart, has done it.
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