Preparing Muslims for Marriage
By Aneesah Nadire
Marital problems among Muslims in America are of increasing concern.
Issues like divorce and domestic violence are taking their
toll on Muslim families throughout America. Imams, Muslim Social
Workers, helping professionals and volunteers are concerned about
the consequences of these problems on the very foundation of
our community, the family.
Even though Muslims in America experience a unique set of
circumstances and are diverse in their culture, and road to Islam,
the Quran and the Sunnah have the methodology for preventing
and resolving the problems that we face.
Rationale
Why discuss Muslim marriages, their associated problems and
prevention strategies?
The short answer is that divorce and marital discord are reaching
epidemic proportions both in and out the Islamic community. Ibn
Umar reported that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings
be upon him) said: Of all the lawful things,
divorce is the most detestable thing in the sight of Allah
(Abu Dawud).
The foundation of Islamic society is crumbling. Shahina Siddiqui
of the Islamic Social Services Association in a personal interview
(1997) indicated that over 60 percent of new marriages end in
divorce within the first year.
In the same interview she also stated that one community reported
that out nineteen new marriages ten ended in divorce within the
first year while another community reported that five out of
nine marriages ended in divorce within the first year.
Marriages among Muslims in America are in trouble. Sister
Shahina further asserts, "this is symptomatic of a much
larger problem. The growing lack of value for elders and respect
for their advice is a significant problem. Muslim youth are turning
to their non-Muslim peers for advice and validation rather than
to their Muslim elders".
Years as a professional social worker have led me to conclude
that part of the problem is a lack of Islamic education and spiritual
development.
Many Muslim couples enter into marriage each with their own
set of baggage and often lack the personal relationship with
Allah that will help them to be successful as a married couple.
On the one hand, the American Muslim community has been affected
by the "Burger King Syndrome" that plagues North America
as a whole: American societys message is, "you can
have it your way". Individuals entering into marriage are
bent on getting what they want while neither practicing forbearance
and patience, nor committing themselves to one another for the
sake of Allah.
On the other hand, many have subconsciously adopted the Christian
doctrines of self-sacrifice and "turn the other cheek"
at the expense of the emotional and physical health of one or
both spouses. This is demonstrated in marriages where all signs
of marital harmony have been eliminated and a dysfunctional family
unit remains, unaware that this not the Islamic way.
Muslims must find a way to stem the tide of the epidemic of
divorce and marital discord in order to preserve a healthy future
for the Muslim community in America. We must go beyond our current
state of denial to recognize that, while Muslims are not immune
to marital problems, many of the problems we face can be prevented
by learning and implementing the teachings of Islam. No community
can survive and fulfill the responsibility of raising healthy
children when marriage after marriage totally break down.
The Healthy Muslim Marriage
The Quran says: "And among His
Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves,
that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put
love and mercy between your (hearts)..." (30:21)
"They (your wives) are as a garment
to you, and you are as a garment to them." (2:187)
"He it is Who created you from
a single soul, and of the same did He make his spouse, that he
might find comfort in her." (7:189).
Khurshid Ahmad writes in his book, Family Life in Islam, "the
relationship between husband and wife is a spiritual relationship
and sustains and generates love, kindness, mercy, compassion,
mutual confidence, self-sacrifice, solace and succor."
In Islam the healthy marriage begins with a strong practice
of Islamic tradition and spousal selection based on the Quran
and Sunnah.
People choose a spouse for many reasons but piety is considered
the best reason. Abu Huraira reported Allahs Messenger
as saying, "A woman is married for
four reasons: for her property, her status, her beauty and her
religion; so try to get one who is religious, ..."
(Muslim).
If a spouse is chosen merely for his or her attractiveness
or socioeconomic status, the likelihood is that those attributes
will be the sum total of the marriage.
A healthy marriage is based on strong Iman (faith) and strong
Taqwa (fear of Allah). Because the couple unites for the sake
and love of Allah, they are able to make decisions and resolve
problems upon based this commitment.
Fikr (reflection) and Dhikr (remembrance) of Allah are a regular
part of the marriage. The couple keeps their obligations to Allah
and remembers Him often, even in their most intimate affairs.
They reflect on what He has given them and on ways to improve
their relationship with Him and thus with each other.
The couple not only strives in the cause of Allah but are
also knowledgeable of their own and each other's rights, roles
and responsibilities. The spouses honor and ensure that each
others rights are fulfilled and they work together to develop
a strong Islamic personality.
Both have realistic expectations of each other and of the
marriage, and they practice good communication skills, engage
in mutual consultation, and are calm and even-tempered. Honesty,
trustworthiness, humility and a willingness to cooperate and
compromise help to build a strong relationship.
Additionally reliance on the Quran and Sunnah for decision-making
are essential.
Problems Couples Experience
A comprehensive Islamic social service system that includes
prevention education and support, early intervention and treatment
is greatly needed by the American Muslim Community.
Given this, it is important to explore some of the problems
Muslim couples are experiencing in marriage:
Religious incompatibility
Problems in this realm may occur because the husband is Muslim
and the wife is not and does not support an Islamic family life.
It may also mean that the husband and wife are Muslim but
one is more observant in the practice of the faith while the
other may be described as Muslim but not religious.
The husband may not want the wife to wear Hijab despite her
desire to do so. When a disagreement arises, one spouse wants
to refer to Quran and Sunnah for the answer while the other ignores
these primary sources of guidance to the preference of cultural
traditions as the basis for decision-making.
It is essential that Muslims determine the importance of Islam
in their lives prior to marriage. Each individuals level
of religiosity will affect decision making, problem solving,
daily practices and fulfillment of religious obligations.
Financial problems
These often result when the husband is either unemployed or
underemployed or the couple has poor money management and budgeting
skills.
When the husband is either unemployed or underemployed the
family is likely to experience significant stress. The wife may
take a job or the family may obtain Zakat or governmental welfare
assistance to make ends meet.
When the wife enters the workforce under these conditions
the additional stress of childcare and fulfilling homemaking
duties become a concern.
Also the high potential for employment discrimination experienced
by Muhajabas (Muslim women who wear the traditional Islamic dress
and headscarf) add to the familys stress. The husbands
self- esteem is severely affected in such circumstances because
he is unable to fulfill one of his primary Islamic obligations.
As the couple prepares for marriage the future husbands
current and potential ability to financially support a family
has to be discussed.
Additional consideration must be given to the issue of whether
or not the wife will work at various points in the marriage and
the consequences thereof. Premarital discussions and/or money
management training can provide the skills necessary to develop
a fiscally responsible home.
Cultural Diversity In Marriage
The Muslim community in the United States includes Muslims
from all around the world. Some are immigrants. Others are refugees.
Still others are indigenous to North America and have converted
to Islam.
On one end of the continuum securing a spouse of the same
culture has become more of a priority than piety in a potential
mate, blinding parents seeking suitable matches for their children.
On the other end of the continuum, the main goal is simply
to marry an American thus losing sight of the importance of piety.
While marriage to someone of the same culture should not be
the primary criteria for marriage, cross-cultural marriages seem
to be at risk for marital discord. Frequently, the couple finds
it very difficult to accept and adjust to each others cultural
norms and traditions. When Islam is not the primary guide in
their lives and each one operates from a cultural base unfamiliar
to the other communication problems, parenting problems and emotional
and/or physical abuse often arise out of the frustration.
One couple reported to the author that they required eight
hours to discuss a matter that takes couples of the same culture
an hour to discuss. The couple went on to say that arguments
often developed because of cultural misunderstandings, lack of
patience and lack of a mutual commitment to place Islam first
and foremost in their affairs.
Cross-cultural marriage seems to work best when both spouses
commit to make Islam according to Quran and Sunnah a priority.
In issues not having to do with worship, both have to be tolerant
and willing to compromise.
In the premarital stage these matters must be discussed. The
couple has to agree to resolve problems based on Quran and Sunnah.
Preparation for marriage should include stringent study of the
Quran and the Sunnah, particularly with regard to family life,
the development of an Islamically-based family personality and
the building of communication skills.
In the early stage of the marriage opportunities for arbitration,
mediation or counseling should be available to the couple on
an as needed basis.
Unresolved legal issues
These issues, which can and have pulled couples apart, may
relate to one spouses immigration status or prior incarceration,
unsettled financial judgments or familial problems.
Unfortunately, in the zeal to come to the US or to change
immigration status, inaccurate or incomplete information may
have been provided.
In other cases the immigrant spouse may have become involved
with illegal activities which placed him or her at risk of deportation.
Although these activities may have occurred in the individuals
early days in America they may play havoc on the marriage.
In one case the entire family was uprooted because of the
head of the household was deported. The stress of the ordeal
placed the marriage in severe jeopardy.
Acceptance of Islam may have occurred during incarceration.
Unfortunately few programs exist that are designed to assist
in the transition to life outside the penal institution. Despite
an individuals sincere practice of Islam, parole and probation
issues continue to loom on the horizon of life on the outside;
said issues often disrupt the couples life and their ability
to start anew.
It is important to be aware of and discuss unresolved legal
issues prior to marriage. When unresolved legal matters are included
in the premarital discussions potential spouses and their guardians
can identify the risks and prepare for the challenges associated
therewith. Each potential spouse can then determine whether or
not they are suited for the impending marriage.
Domestic Violence
As difficult as is it is to acknowledge it, Muslim families
experience domestic violence.
Some of the factors associated with domestic violence include:
a controlling personality or other personality disorder, financial
stress, misunderstanding and use of verses of the Quran to justify
maltreatment, lack of knowledge of the Sunnah with regards to
anger management and treatment of women, poor impulse control,
immaturity, mental illness, the effects of racism and oppression
against Muslims, ethnic minorities and foreigners and a history
of domestic violence in the family of origin.
While there are a variety of causal factors the bottom line
is that Islam does not condone the abuse and maltreatment of
women. Muslim women forced to leave their home without a means
of support in search of safety from an oppressive spouse are
legacies the Muslim community can not afford.
In addition to this, domestic violence has been proven to
produce a cycle of violence in the next generation. As Muslim
children watch their fathers abuse their mothers they internalize
that behavior and are likely to repeat it.
One strategy to prevent domestic abuse is to mandate a thorough
discussion of the potential spouses temperament, problem
solving and conflict resolution skills during premarital counseling.
Of particular import is an exploration of his or her parents
relationship and whether domestic violence was present in their
home. At a minimum each party has to be asked whether he or she
has been raised with domestic abuse at home or whether or not
they have experienced domestic abuse in their life.
Differences in parenting style
Lack of parenting skills, significant differences in parenting
styles, lack of knowledge of the examples of healthy, effective
parenting from the Sunnah, the stress of adjusting to life with
a new baby, or as a stepparent can lead to discord in the marriage.
Good marriage preparation affords the couple an opportunity
to learn about their obligations as parents based on examples
in the Quran and Sunnah.
Further, a discussion to examine expectations of proper care
of children, how each potential spouse was reared, methods of
discipline, and the general challenges that come with all phases
of childhood, will produce strong parents, firmly anchored in
the Islamic model of familial relationships.
Intimacy and sexual fulfillment
Problems related to an unsatisfactory or absent physical relationship
tend to occur because no one has spoken with the young man or
woman about these matters prior to marriage. Often, the prospective
couple is unaware about the physical makeup of the human body
or is unaware of the Islamic responsibility and right to intimate
fulfillment by both parties. Inability to communicate seems to
exacerbate the problem unless professional intervention is obtained.
Marriage preparation education will educate potential spouses
of their rights and responsibilities with regard to sexual fulfillment.
It would also provide an opportunity to learn some basics of
the human anatomy as well as the traditions of Prophet Muhammad
with regard to marital intimacy. The role of good communication
skills in sexual fulfillment would also be a part of premarital
education.
Illness
Marriage frequently brings together individuals who have physical
and mental health problems. In most cases, these matters are
not discussed prior to marriage thereby impeding the couples
ability to weather a chronic condition like asthma, diabetes,
hypertension or a catastrophic event such as injury due to accident
or major illness.
Whether a spouse suffers from a physical condition or chronic
mental illness, premarital conversation concerning the nature
of the disorder, medications used and effective reaction to episodic
flare-ups must be engaged in order to prepare the couple for
inherent challenges of living with and caring for a sick spouse.
History of marriage preparation programs in mainstream America
Formal marital education was first instituted in the early
1930s when the Merrill-Palmer Institute established a premarital
educational program (Rutledge, 1968).
One of the earliest premarital counseling programs, established
at the Philadelphia Marriage Council (Mudd, Freeman, and Rose,
1941), was designed to provide education and information about
married life to couples contemplating marriage and to help prospective
spouses work out interpersonal difficulties they might be encountering.
Historically premarital counseling has been provided in churches
by trained pastors and ministers, laypersons or by mental health
providers. Clinebell (1984) has argued that in most cases what
has been ordinarily described as premarital counseling actually
is not counseling in the sense of treatment and addressing problems
but rather it is more personalized training or "psycho educational
counseling".
The Catholic dioceses requires premarital counseling before
a couple may be married by a priest.(Lamanna and Reidmann, 1991)
The Superior Court of Los Angeles County, along with courts in
many other counties, mandated premarital counseling as a prerequisite
for obtaining a marriage license by minors. (Wright, 1981).
The newest approaches to educating for marriage are marital
enrichment programs (Stahmann and Salts, 1993). These programs
emerged around the early 1960s, and many were connected to religious
institutions (e.g., the Roman Catholic Marriage Encounter program,
first established in Spain by Father Gabriel Calvo; the marriage
enrichment retreat for Quakers led by David and Vera Mace; the
United Methodist Church leadership training programs for couples,
developed by Leon and Antoinette Smith; see Mace & Mace,
1986).
Several secular programs for marriage enrichment have also
been developed, including Ottos More Joy in Your Marriage
(1969), The Minnesota Couples Communication Program (Miller et
al., 1975), and Relationship Enhancement (Guerney, 1977).
The core philosophy of marriage enrichment is a "positive
growth-oriented, and dynamic view of marriage" (Hof &
Miller, 1980). The major goals of marriage enrichment are to
increase self- and other awareness to explore and express thoughts
and feelings with honesty and empathy and to develop and use
skills important in relationships, such as communication, problem
solving, and conflict resolution (Hof & Miller, 1980).
While common sense suggests that these kinds of programs prevent
marital discord and increase longevity of marriage there does
not seem to be enough mainstream research to provide conclusive
evidence. More and more research is being conducted about the
value of prevention and the role of family life skills education
in prevention of family dysfunction. Family experts see these
programs as important, especially for adult children of troubled,
dysfunctional, or divorced families.
The Handbook of Family Life Education describes three approaches
to education for marriage and includes a brief discussion of
education for remarriage in consideration of those that have
divorced and are widowed.
The three approaches include general marriage preparation
programs, premarital counseling programs and enrichment programs.
The typical goals of education for marriage are to increase couple
and family stability and satisfaction, and to improve the quality
of couple and family relationships.
Marriage preparation according to Islamic tradition
According to Islamic tradition, marriage should be entered
into for the sake of Allah. Marriage is, therefore, Ibadah(worship).
Allahs guidance should be sought on all matters, particularly
the decision to marry and who to marry. Likewise, when we experience
problems we must call on Allah to help us through the trying
times.
Allah says in Sura Ghafir, "And
your Lord said: Invoke Me (believe in Me alone and ask Me anything)
I will respond to your (invocation). Verily, those who scorn
My worship (i.e., they do not believe in My Oneness or ask Me),
they will surely enter hell in humiliation" (Quran
40:60).
Intrinsic Islamic traditions that facilitate marriage preparation
and education and consequently positive marital outcomes include
prayer, Dhikr, the requirement of a Wali (guardian) for women
who have not been married, the obligation to study the religious
practices, the use of arbitration and importance of Nasiha or
advice giving.
Marriage preparation, according to Islamic tradition, includes
the study of the religious practices and traditions so that the
believer has knowledge of Islam in its various facets including
marital life.
According to Habib Ahmad (1996) the methodology used by the
Sahaba in their acquisition of knowledge included the prioritization
of educational objectives.
AlIlm al-Shari , that is, the knowledge pertaining
to Islamic faith, acts of worship, and necessary transactions
and daily dealings of a Muslim, must be our first priority in
our educational pursuit.
Study of Allah, the articles of faith, prayer and other matters
of Fiqh (Islamic jurisprudence) are primary. Then other obligatory
acts of worship and guidelines for business transactions, family
life, community affairs, Dawa (inviting to Islam) with Muslims
and non-Muslims and Arabic language should be next.
The Key to the Garden (Al Haddad, 1990) outlines the areas
of Islam that Muslims must be taught first. This outline lists
conditions of marriage among the first things a Muslim should
know after the five pillars and behaviors that lead to major
sin.
In an interview in 1997 Sheik Shamudeen, a well known religious
leader formerly in the metropolitan Phoenix area, indicated that,
as part of his study in Madinah (in Saudi Arabia), he and other
young male students attended a class called Haqa Souja (the rights
of the wife).
This class covered general as well as intimate issues in marriage.
The inclusion of such a class as part of the training of future
Imams suggests the importance of marital issues in Islamic study.
Training of Dawa workers and community leaders must also include
discussion of family and marital issues.
Istikhara
The prayer of Istikhara (decision making), a tradition of
Prophet Muhammad, should also be undertaken in the selection
of a mate, asking Allahs guidance in the choice of the
mate best to assist one in preserving his or her Iman (faith)
in order to prepare for the Ahkirah (Life after death). If Istikhara
is performed sincerely asking Allahs guidance in the choice
of a mate the marriage will be established at the outset on the
best foundation.
The Holy Quran and Sunnah of the Prophet are rich with wisdom
and the best examples of appropriate Islamic behavior in family
life. It is important that those seeking marriage study the examples
put forth by Allah and His Messenger in choosing a mate as well
as resolving marital problems.
The Wali
The requirement of a Wali or Wakkil (guardian or agent) for
women who have not been married and the tradition of family involvement
in arranging the marriage are also important aspects of preparation
for marriage so that those with good sense and wisdom about the
potential spouses personality, strengths and weaknesses
will assist them in making the best selection of a mate and will
adequately inspect the references of the future mate.
The habit that has been developing of choosing a mate without
the involvement of family or community elders and without a Wali
seems to be contributing to many of the marital problems in our
community.
Marriage as a contract
Although marriage is an institution Divinely-ordained by Allah,
each marriage is a contract between the spouses. Marriage is
a social contract, a noble contract and a sacred contract (Khurshid
Ahmad, 1974).
The physical document usually developed as part of the marriage
process serves as a tool in preparing the couple for marriage.
This provides an opportunity to give consideration to issues
or concerns that may need discussion and agreement prior to marriage.
As marriage in Islam is largely a contract between the couple
before Allah this phase provides an opportunity to discuss the
terms of the contract and to remind the parties of the obligation
they have before Allah to maintain their contract and its terms.
Arbitration
Arbitration is another method at our disposal. If used as
an intervention strategy it provides an opportunity to give the
couple guidance as well as facilitate problem-solving and a reconciliation
between them.
The Holy Quran says: "And if you
fear a breach between them twain (i.e. husband and wife), appoint
an arbiter from his folk and an arbiter from her folk. If they
desire amendment Allah will make them of one mind. Lo! Allah
is ever knower, Aware" (4:35).
Allah says, "Call to the way of
your Lord with wisdom and good admonition, and have disputations
with them in the best manner; surely your Lord best knows who
goes astray from His path, and He knows best those who follow
the right way" (Quran 16:125).
The Islamic responsibility to offer Nasiha, that is, giving
advice for commanding the right and forbidding the wrong, indicates
the importance of providing good Islamic guidance to those who
are straying from the teaching.
In this tradition of Nasiha is opportunity for individuals
before marriage and couples after marriage to obtain good advice
from family, community elders, Imams or Muslim counselors and
social workers regarding ways to prevent and intervene early
in potential marital problems.
It is clear that inherent in the teachings and traditions
of Islam are many opportunities to prevent and address marital
problems.
Summary
Just as prevention has taken some time to become valued and
recognized as an essential part of the service continuum, so
too will marriage preparation education as prevention strategy
take its time.
Most couples spend more time preparing for the wedding than
they do preparing for the marriage. Premarital programs focus
on preparation for the marriage and for a long and harmonious
family life in service to Allah.
The naiveté and innocence of most young couples make
it difficult for them to even imagine that they may experience
challenges in their marriage. The reality is that marriage comes
with some difficulties and some trials, so it is important that
the young couple, their families and the community recognize
the importance of comprehensive marriage preparation.
Allah knows when the time will be right and marriage preparation
will catch on. As for now it seems to be a little bit ahead of
its time and perhaps part of the wave of the future. Time will
tell.
However, the primary goal of developing and implementing a
marriage preparation program that results in stronger Muslim
families who will, in turn, strengthen and renew the foundation
of Islamic society through the 21st century should be of paramount
concern.
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