A Marriage Survival Guide
Fact: More Muslim marriages in North America are breaking up in
their first year than ever before.
The first five to seven years are the most challenging of any marriage.
They are a time a couple spends getting to know each other better
and adjusting to each other's habits and personalities.
Below are some of the main problems couples face in the early years
and some possible solutions.
1. Lack of proper information before marriage
A number of problems are caused simply by the fact that the couple
and their families have not discussed crucial issues beforehand.
Some of these include:
whether or not the wife will work outside the home
will the couple wait to have children
which city and country the couple will live in after marriage
will they live with his parents or have their own apartment
These and other relevant issues need to be discussed and decided in
the beginning stages of the marriage process.
2. Who's in charge?
One of the biggest problems is the tug-of-war between couples over
who is in control in the relationship. This has led to a stalemate
in disagreements, as well as bitter feelings.
Many couples today are refusing to compromise within moderation
when differences arise.
While from an Islamic perspective, the husband is given the leadership
role in the marriage relationship, this does not mean he runs the
couple's family life like a dictatorship.
It must be remembered that Islamically, a leader is one who serves,
manages, provides and nourishes. A leader must also have humbleness
and humility.
A husband exercises the right kind of leadership by being listening
to and consulting (doing Shura) with his wife.
Also, a husband is bound to follow the rules of the Quran and Sunnah.
So differences in opinion should be referred back to these sources,
instead of becoming a source of tension and problems.
3. The divorce option
Once upon a time, "divorce" was the seven-letter word
most Muslim couples avoided using. Today, amongst many Muslim couples
in the West, it is one of the first recourses turned to when
conflicts occur in marriage.
It should be remembered that out of all of the things Allah has
made Halal, divorce is the one He hates the most. Couples need to
look at several other alternatives before turning to this drastic
measure.
They should seek the help of older, wiser and trustworthy elders
who will try to help them resolve their differences. Generally,
they need to make a sincere, concerted effort to try to work things
out before divorce is seriously considered.
4. Sexual problems
It is unrealistic to expect the issue of sex and sex-related problems
to mysteriously disappear once a couple gets married.
In the sex-saturated culture of the West, couples tend to
place very high expectations of each other in this area. They also
expect instant results.
In reality, it takes time, commitment, disappointment and investment
to establish a sexual relationship in marriage which is in tune
with the needs of each partner.
It's important for Muslim couples to walk into marriage with proper
information about sex and sexual etiquette from an Islamic perspective.
They need to know what is Halal (permissible) and what is Haram
(forbidden). They should also keep in mind that spouses must never
discuss their sexual relationship with others, unless it is to get
help for a specific problem with the right person or authority figure.
On a similar note, it's important for both the husband and wife
to remember that they need to make themselves physically attractive
to each other. Too many couples take marriage to mean an excuse
to now let themselves go. The couple or one of the partners may
gain too much weight, or may not care about hygiene and their looks
in general. The reverse should be true: spouses should take the
time out for these things and give them even more attention after
marriage. Our beloved Prophet has recommended husband and wife both
to do that, May Allah's peace and blessings be upon him.
5. In-laws
The first few years of marriage are not just a period of adjustment
for the married couple. It's one of getting used to in-laws and
vice-versa.
Husbands, wives and in-laws need to practice the Islamic rules
of social relations with each other. These include: avoiding sarcasm,
backbiting, calling each other by offensive nicknames, and making
a special effort to respect each other as family members.
As well, comparisons need to be avoided, since every individual
and every couple is different. So wives should not be compared to
mothers and sisters. Husbands should not be compared to fathers
and brothers. In-laws should not be compared to parents, etc.
In addition, there should be regular, healthy contact between spouses
and in-laws. This can mean visiting each other at least once or
twice a month, or calling if distance makes it difficult to get
together.
6. Realism
Boy meets girl. They fall in love. They live happily ever after.
This is the plot of many a Hollywood and Bollywood movie, where
everyone is "perfect". Real life is very different.
Couples may enter marriage with high-flying romantic ideas and
expecting their partner to be the ideal human. But all humans have
good and bad points. Husbands and wives have to learn to accept
each other, warts and all.
7 . Making a schedule and establishing rituals
Making a schedule may seem like an end to spontaneity but it's
not.
This allows you to establish your own lifestyle and rituals as
a couple. It's especially important if both the husband and wife
are going to school and/or working. In this scenario, a schedule
helps in setting time aside for each other during a fast-paced week
of work and studies.
Some rituals couples can establish may include:
praying at least one prayer together
attending a study circle together once a week
deciding on a weekly menu
having a pancake breakfast every Saturday morning
setting aside one day on which no work or studying will be done
setting a day when both the husband and wife will clean up the house
setting a time to discuss finances and a budget
making a phone contacting during the day
deciding on a particular day and time once a month at least to
visit each other's parents
By discussing and setting up these rituals, couples learn how to
talk to and feel responsible for each other. They also learn to
become a team instead of two people living in the same with separate
lives.
8 . Marriage as a restriction
Muslim men who have grown up in the West may find marriage
restricting. After all, before, they could hang out with their buddies
and get home by 11:00 p.m. and no one would say a word. After marriage
though, they have to be home by 7:00 p.m if not earlier.
While marriage comes with responsibilities and a tighter schedule,
the benefits are also there. It takes time and patience to realize
that in the end the benefits (i.e. a life partner, kids, etc.) are
greater than the restrictions.
9 . Friends and Islamic activities
Friends are a joy and a good friend is someone you want to be close
to for the rest of your life.
But friends are often the source of many marriage conflicts. Too
much time spent with friends, either hanging out or on the phone,
means time lost with a husband/wife.
Also, friends, especially if they are of the same age group, may
give the wrong advice on marriage, due to their own inexperience
in the area.
Some possible solutions to the friends dilemma could be:
working out a "friends time" at least once a week where
the husband and the wife meet and/or talk with friends privately
developing friendships with other married couples so spouses can befriend
spouses
Islamic activities fall in a similar category. Young Muslim activists
may think they can keep attending those three-hour Muslim Students'
Association meetings as they did before marriage. Not so.
Too much focus on outside Islamic activities takes away from spouse
time. Give Islamic activities their due but within a balance of
everyone's rights, including those of your spouse.
10 . Not keeping secrets
A number of young married couples are notorious for not keeping
secrets, especially related to sexual matters, and exposing their
spouse's faults. This is not only unacceptable. It's unIslamic.
Couples should seek to hide each other's faults. They should seek
advice on marriage problems from a "marriage mentor",
someone who is older, wiser, trustworthy and has the best interests
of both parties at heart.
11. Finances
How much should be spent on furniture, the house, food, etc. These
are staple issues of any household and can lead to a tug-of-war
between husband and wife.
To keep spending in check, husbands and wives need to draft a budget
then stick to it. The household will run more efficiently and that's
one less source of conflict in the marriage.
A special note to husbands: in the beginning of marriage, husbands
tend to shower their wives with gifts. They do this as an expression
of love and because they want to provide for their wives. However,
as time passes and they keep giving, they go into debt or experience
financial difficulty. As well, wives get used to a certain level
of comfort which husbands can no longer afford.
Providing for a wife (and later on, a family) is not just reserved
to material things. It includes spending time with her, and treating
her with equity and kindness. In fact, most wives would prefer this
kind of provision over expensive gifts.
12. Give each other space
A number of couples think being married means always being together
and serving each other hand and foot.
Wives may initially take over all household chores, not letting
the husband help or even do his own things (i.e. ironing his own
clothes). They later regret this as household responsibilities increase
and their husbands become dependent on them for the smallest things.
Husbands may think getting married means being with their wives
all the time. This later may lead them to becoming irritable and
cranky.
The key is to focus on being caring, fond of and accepting each other
and giving each other sufficient space. Doing this provides a necessary
balance in a relationship which is so close physically and emotionally.
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