Within the last few decades, there has been an alarming increase
in the divorce rate. Unfortunately, the Muslim Ummah has not been
immune to this trend. In fact, it is not uncommon to hear of Muslims
engaged in their third or fourth divorce. While repeat divorces are
the exception, not the rule, it is important to look at the factors
which contribute to this issue. Furthermore, when marriages break-up
it is often the woman who carries the stigma of the divorce not the
man. This is especially sad since the ending of a marriage is never
one person's fault. The old adage is true- "it takes two to tangle."
However, for marriages to work, couples must know that each person
brings his/her life experiences to the marriage. This includes both
the bad and good. A relationship between husband and wife has to be
built upon mutual honesty, respect, and the love and fear of Allah.
Without these key ingredients, marital ties are often broken.
When a marriage ends, it is important to take time to reflect
upon what went wrong in the marriage. The Iddah, or waiting period
provides us with this opportunity. During Iddah, we should reflect
upon our original intentions to marry. Did we marry for the sake of
Allah and to obey His orders or for other purposes? As Muslims, our
intention is a large part of our practice. It is our intentions that
lay the foundation of an action. If our intention for marriage is
other than for the sake of Allah, we can be sure to fail.
Furthermore, if as Muslims we find ourselves in our third and fourth
marriage, we need to look within ourselves and refer back to the
commandments of Allah and the Sunnah. It is only by going through
this process, that we will find the necessary answers to succeed in
marriage. When we look inside ourselves, we discover that there is
some part of us that is undeveloped or underdeveloped. Sometimes
these challenges keep us from practicing important Islamic
principles, like patience and honesty in our marriages. Without
correcting these issues, we find ourselves repeating the same
pattern of failure over and over again.
I write to you as someone who is going through many of the things
I am sharing with you. I am learning that when we lack a sense of
self-love; we are sometimes predisposed to certain patterns. That
is, we enter into situations knowing intuitively that we should not;
yet, we do so for fear of being alone. We also move heart first into
marriage with people whom we were warned about. Becoming a Muslim
does not mean that you have to settle for anyone because you think
it is a part of humility. Far too often Sisters accept too little
Islam from their perspective mates, too little mahr, and too little
of a man because we think that is what is expected of a Muslim.
I know now that I moved forward into a marriage without asking
enough questions and without patience in Allah. I have learned
through my own search for clarity, that my need to be with someone
sets the stage for my current "meantime" experience. I learned that
in my "meantime", my direct internal conflict was a direct result of
my failure to tell the truth to others and myself.
The "meantime" does not need to be a negative experience. Also,
it does not have to be a set period of time. Rather, it is the time
to get clear about what you want and need. It is also a time to
attain a deeper awareness of yourself and others. In my reading, the
"meantime" is defined as, "a therapeutic review of your beliefs,
ideas, and perceptions of what love is all about". When the divine
reason for the meantime union has been fulfilled or when you have
learned what Allah wants you to learn- you have incorporated into
your life the true understanding of what marriage is. It is at this
point that you will move into exactly where you need to be and with
whom you need to be. A dear older Muslim sister told me that, "once
we can rid ourselves of foolish love, we can have real love with our
spouses. Once we give up the notion that someone belongs to us, we
can enjoy the time we have with them."
Only through asking for clarity and truly looking at our
experiences as lessons, can we move into the following phases known
as the "Enlightenment Process". This information is not a formula
for life- that's Islam. But, it can assist one in seeking better
answers. The first phase is called Detachment. This is the
development of the conscious ability to see you and others. The next
stage is Discernment. More than an ability to see, discernment is
being able to understand what you are looking at and how it relates
to you. Once you can see and understand you reach the next
phase-Enlightenment. The next step is Integration. This is the
active part of the enlightenment process. You must now take the
information you have and integrate it into your life. As you do, you
reach the fifth and final stage, called Evolution. By practicing the
trait or virtue you now know you must develop or embrace, you can
proceed in your life making better choices and wiser decisions.
Marriage is a relationship that has conditions that have to be there
if it is to be successful. Use your common sense to see if all the
criteria are present for a successful marriage. My dear sisters take
the time to reflect over your relationships. With time, du'a, and
Istikhara your self-reflection will become clear. Allah promises us
in Surat-ul-Asr that only those of you who practice patience will
not be lost with the passing of time.
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